


Hold me like you'd never let me go (Bear it like you'd never let it show)

by Jens



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, Multi, Red String of Fate, Sad Ending, i know i say i like angst a lot but this is possibly the angstiest fic i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23774731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jens/pseuds/Jens
Summary: “You knew from the beginning, right. That we aren’t soulmates. You never did answer me when I asked, remember?”(A love story from the point of view of an outsider)
Relationships: Aomine Daiki/Kagami Taiga/Kise Ryouta, Kise Ryouta/Kuroko Tetsuya
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	Hold me like you'd never let me go (Bear it like you'd never let it show)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Empty's theme park by Matthew Good (highly recommend this song and honestly Matthew Good in general, he's my fav artist)

There’s a hole in Tetsuya’s heart.

It’s not a big one, not the kind that would bother him. Sometimes he even forgets it’s there at all. But it is, and it never goes away.

If he talks about it to someone, they always get worried and tell him he should go see a doctor. But he disagrees. There’s no doctor that could fix the hole because no matter how real it feels, it isn’t physically there. But it still is there.

(Whenever he says that, everyone just looks at him pityingly, like he’s not quite sane. And maybe he isn’t.)

There is, however, one thing that could fill the empty space in his heart.

Happiness.

It’s not that Tetsuya isn’t happy, he just isn’t as happy as he could be. As happy as some people can be.

* * *

Kise-kun is beautiful and Tetsuya knows he’s lucky to have someone like that as his lover. Kise-kun believes that the two of them are as perfect as a couple can get but Tetsuya knows better – they’re not meant to be, after all.

How would you know that, people always ask him. And yet when he tells them the truth, they call him a liar and ask for a serious explanation. But the truth is the only explanation Tetsuya has, no matter how unrealistic it may sound, no matter how many times he gets that same look, the one that says, ‘you should go see a doctor’.

And the truth? He can see the red string of fate that binds soul mates to each other.

He can see that while he and Kise-kun both have a string attached to them, they’re not connected to each other. That’s how he knows Kise-kun isn’t meant for him.

But how could he bear to tell that to Kise-kun when he seems so content with what they have? Wouldn’t that sound like he’s trying to break up with Kise-kun without hurting him? And – and Tetsuya doesn’t want to break up. In fact, he wishes Kise-kun could be his forever. 

* * *

The greatest tragedy in Tetsuya’s life is that he’s never going to meet his soulmate. It’s not like anyone has ever told him that; to his knowledge he’s the only one with this ability anyway. But there are some things he just instinctively knows in relation to his ability, and the coldness of the red string around his wrist is enough to let him know that while his soul mate might be somewhere out there, living a happy life, they are to never meet.

The second greatest tragedy of Tetsuya is that he’s fallen in love with Kise-kun. Genuinely fallen in love with someone that isn’t meant for him. And doesn’t that make him quite a fool?

The third greatest tragedy of Kuroko Tetsuya is the knowledge that the one who is the closest to being the love of his life has two soul mates and unlike Tetsuya, he is fated to meet them.

(Tetsuya dreads the day he will have to say goodbye to Kise-kun.)

* * *

Kise-kun is lively, bubbly, a social butterfly – the opposite of Tetsuya. What Kise-kun ever saw, still sees, in him is a mystery but Tetsuya supposes that it doesn’t even matter. What matters is making the most of their time together. He has no idea when it will be ending; Kise-kun thinks they have all the time in the world.

If only.

No matter what, Tetsuya wants Kise-kun to be happy so that he can look back on their shared moments with a smile. He wants to remember the way Kise-kun smiles, the way he laughs and sounds better than anything Tetsuya has ever heard, he wants to remember what Kise-kun looks like when he’s just woken up, his hair all messy and skin rough with a stubble.

Tetsuya wants to remember what it feels like to be in love and be loved back as this is the probably only time he’ll ever get to experience it. At least he’s not willing to put himself through the same ordeal more than once.

He wants to memorise everything about Kise-kun for the time when they’re no longer together.

* * *

Before they started dating, Kise-kun once asked him if they were soulmates. Tetsuya never replied.

(It’s easier if you don’t know so that you can have fun as long as it lasts.)

* * *

(Tetsuya’s first impression of Kise-kun is not a very positive one. They meet in a party of a mutual acquaintance; a gathering Tetsuya would rather honestly not even attend but he goes anyway because he can’t think of a proper reason to decline the invitation.

Kise-kun is the centre of attention already when Tetsuya arrives, men and women alike flocking to him like moths to a fire. His laughter is loud, his eyes bright, and the whole world seems to love him even in that dimly lit room full of people at various stages of drunkenness.

 _Annoying_ , Tetsuya thinks and goes to look for people he knows.

About an hour later Kise-kun accidentally knocks a drink over Tetsuya and that’s how they start talking.)

* * *

At ten to midnight on a rainy Sunday night Tetsuya’s doorbell rings. He’s already in bed trying to fall asleep, he’s got work in the morning after all, but he goes to open the door nonetheless.

It’s Kise-kun.

No umbrella, no raincoat, just a soaked Kise-kun with tears running down his cheeks. Somewhat surprised, Tetsuya walks to his lover, taking his coat and hanging it to dry, then helping Kise-kun with his shoes. As he does that, Kise-kun starts talking – or more like words start pouring out of his mouth in rapid succession.

Two men he’s never seen before in his life were kissing in front of the station, and it was rather cute; Kise-kun knows that being in a relationship with another man isn’t easy so he should be happy for those two who were so open about their relationship, right? But he wasn’t. Instead he felt like his heart had been torn in half and he just couldn’t do anything, he even dropped the umbrella in his shock before he had to get away. He ran all the way to Tetsuya’s house without even realising where he was going.

Why would seeing two strangers kissing bother him so much? It’s silly, really, isn’t it, Kurokocchi? He’s probably just tired because of the photo shoot, work has been quite hectic recently and maybe he remembered that drama he’s been watching, there have been a lot of relationship issues in it and he has become emotionally invested in the show, and really Kurokocchi should stop looking at him like that because he’s _fine_.

Tetsuya listens to Kise-kun’s desperate attempts at trying to sound like he isn’t bothered. Kise-kun doesn’t need all those words, Tetsuya already knows why he’s so shaken up by the scene he witnessed. His eyes trail down to find the proof he needs.

There they are, the two strings tied around Kise-kun’s wrist. Usually they’re a pale red, not really even noticeable, but now they’re glowing fiercely and look hot, so hot they should burn Kise-kun’s wrist. But they don’t seem to bother him in the least. Over the years Tetsuya has learned that if you can’t see them, you can’t feel them either.

Tetsuya always knows on instinct when someone has come close to their soul mate, even without the strings starting to glow like that. It makes him happy more often than not; he can give an encouraging smile to the lady working at the grocery store who always looks so lonely and wish good luck to his neighbour who’s always had such bad luck with dating. This time, however, it tears him apart to see the deep red colour of the string.

Because this time it means that his time with Kise-kun is coming to an end soon. That is almost enough to bring Tetsuya to tears. His Kise-kun, happy with someone else – he can’t bear it.

But what can he do? Kise-kun’s happiness is what he wishes for first and foremost and standing in the way of that happiness would only postpone the inevitable rather than stop it from happening altogether.

Anxious for comfort, Kise-kun begs for Tetsuya to hold him; he might mean it differently but Tetsuya drags him to bed and makes love to him. Kise-kun keeps whispering words of affection into Tetsuya’s shoulder, his arms wrapped tightly around the lithe body of his lover, and he believes this is happiness. Being comforted by the one he loves, holding each close, kissing and exchanging confessions.

It is happiness, Tetsuya supposes, to some people. To people who don’t know that there might be someone else who they belong to, whom they’re meant to be with, someone whose mere presence can make them smile.

But the hole in Tetsuya’s heart feels too big tonight. His chest feels empty, like there’s a void where his heart used to be, and it twists and turns and _hurts_ so bad.

He’s just borrowing Kise-kun anyway, he’s known it from the beginning. He’s borrowing Kise-kun from the ones he’s fated to be with and that has always been fine with him.

But now, suddenly, it’s different. Kise-kun is going to be leaving him soon, very soon. He’s going to be even happier with his soulmates, and he’s going to feel silly for ever thinking that what he had with Tetsuya was happiness.

He lives on borrowed time, all the moans, confessions of love, dazzling smiles and scratches on his back are not really supposed to be his. They’re all borrowed, Kise-kun is not his.

(But oh how he wishes that were the case.) 

* * *

A few days later Kise-kun comes over with an adorable smile on his face, almost skipping in joy. He bumped into one of the guys again, the guys he saw kissing, that is. This time they exchanged a few words, and apparently they might be running into each other in the future as well since those two also live around here.

Tetsuya allows a tiny smile to pull at his lips, yes, it’s wonderful Kise-kun, I’m so happy for you.

(Kise-kun looks at him weirdly, maybe sensing his mood, but he doesn’t say a word. Tetsuya kisses him after that, and Kise-kun spends the rest of his visit clinging to Tetsuya and trying to breathe out his name.)

* * *

The knowledge of their time running out makes Tetsuya try harder in order to keep Kise-kun smiling as long as they’re together. On the weekend he invites Kise-kun on a date.

They go to their favourite fast food place, talking about trivial things like any normal lovers. That’s what they are, Tetsuya concedes, at least for the time being. The thought makes him happy.

That is until he notices the way Kise-kun’s string is glowing. His eyes widen as he holds back a gasp – this can only mean that at least one of Kise-kun’s soul mates is somewhere nearby. Tetsuya is curious, of course; what do Kise-kun’s soul mates look like?

Very different from Tetsuya, it turns out. Dark blue hair and dark skin, tall, probably an athlete. Tetsuya swallows hard as the stranger’s gaze lands on their table, on Kise-kun, and his eyes light up.

The man approaches their table and it hurts. Now Kise-kun’s string is _burning_ – Tetsuya really, really wishes he couldn’t see it. That way, he could have Kise-kun to himself, right? He could pretend the two of them are meant to be, maybe he’d actually believe it since he loves Kise-kun, he really does.

What hurts even more is that he knows Kise-kun loves him too and yet he’ll leave if Tetsuya gives him the chance to be with the ones that were born to be his. And he will; Kise-kun deserves only the best.

With a heavy heart Tetsuya turns to follow Kise-kun’s string with his eyes. The other end of it

(he already knew what he would find so why does it sting so bad?)

is attached to the man who is now standing right next to them, his eyes glued to Kise-kun. Tetsuya wants to scream.

This is it, the beginning of the end, Tetsuya thinks to himself as he watches Kise-kun exchange phone numbers with the stranger, Kise-kun’s eyes glowing with a light Tetsuya has never seen before.

When the man is gone, Kise-kun turns to him and explains who the stranger is, as if that is necessary. One of the guys he saw kissing. Tetsuya smiles politely, feigning interest, already knowing it all. His stomach twists and turns until he’s sure he’s going to be sick.

As if sensing his lover’s distress, Kise-kun leans over the table and presses a quick but gentle kiss on the corner of Tetsuya’s mouth. It’s unacceptable for Kurokocchi to be in a bad mood when he’s with Kise, he should smile!

And Tetsuya does, even if the sense of an impending end lingers at the back of his mind.

* * *

When you know from the beginning that something isn’t going to last, you don’t invest yourself into it as much as you would if you thought it could be forever. Tetsuya has held back, and maybe he would already be in pieces if he hadn’t, as even now the thought of breaking up with Kise-kun fills him with pain he has never felt before.

Because everything is happening too fast. Kise-kun no longer finds time to spend with his lover, his already hectic schedule now being occupied by his new acquaintances as well. He always makes sure to call and text to show he still cares about Tetsuya but all he talks about are his soul mates, although he doesn’t refer to them as such.

* * *

(From Kise-kun: _I don’t know why but I have so much fun whenever I hang out with them_ ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

To Kise-kun: _I’m glad you have found such good friends, Kise-kun._

From Kise-kun: _Me too!_ _But I still love Kurokocchi the most_ <3

Tetsuya is so glad Kise-kun can’t see him right now; he is sure that for once, his poker face has failed him.)

* * *

Kise-kun calls to tell him that he has to cancel their meeting, _Kagamicchi_ and _Aominecchi_ both have a day off so he’s going to play basketball with them. Of course, Kurokocchi can join them too if he wants, Kise-kun says in a tone that begs for Tetsuya to refuse. He does. Kise-kun laughs, happy, and it bubbles like water and eventually drowns Tetsuya.

_(don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry)_

The next time it’s because it’s _Kagamicchi_ ’s birthday. Apparently _Aominecchi_ ’s birthday is coming up soon too, at the end of the month, so obviously Kise-kun is going to be busy then too. Tetsuya smiles and says it’s okay, he’s been hoping for Kise-kun to find good friends like that anyway.

But they’re not always going to be just friends, his whole body screams at him. He refuses to listen.

* * *

 _Don’t call Kise-kun when he’s with them_ , Tetsuya tries to tell himself and succeeds for a long time. He really wishes he could’ve resisted till the end.

Kise-kun picks up after three rings, unusually late for him, and sounds the same as ever; cheerful, bursting with energy. And yet he sounds different.

So… at ease. Tetsuya’s lips twist.

He’s so sorry if he’s caught Kise-kun at a bad time, he can hang up and call back later if it’s better. No, Kise-kun replies quickly, he’s not busy right now.

They fall into a casual conversation after that, talking about their days, and Tetsuya can’t bear it. Kise-kun is _his_ , damn it, his alone and he wants it to be that way forever. Doesn’t he deserve to be happy too?

Yes, he does, but Kise-kun does too, he deserves to be with his soul mates. That’s why Tetsuya has to let Kise-kun go. He knows Kise-kun wants it too.

But he can steal a little more time, right? For the sake of his own happiness. So he asks if Kise-kun can spare some time for him in the future since it seems like they haven’t been able to get together for a while now. And of course he gets an affirmative response.

Because Kurokocchi is the one Kise-kun loves the most! Or some such nonsense. Tetsuya smiles bitterly.

_Kise-kun, if we were meant to be, I’d give you anything you ever asked for. I’d give you the world if that would make you mine._

* * *

Tetsuya has barely got the door open when Kise-kun kisses him full on the mouth and tells him he’s missed him. Tetsuya agrees, wrapping his arms around Kise-kun’s waist. He’s missed this so much, the feel of Kise-kun’s body warm against his. They kiss until they can’t breathe and when they separate, Kise-kun almost cries.

 _I’m sorry_ and _I’ll never ignore you so much again_ and _I love you_ and so on and so on; empty words that sound reassuring but mean nothing. For Tetsuya can see the truth in Kise-kun’s eyes.

It’s already over. 

Kise-kun no longer loves him. Or maybe he does, in fact Tetsuya’s certain he does, but he does not love Tetsuya in the same way he loves those two. So this is the end, it must be. It’s better that way. But Tetsuya can’t get the words out. He just kisses Kise-kun again

 _(mine, all_ mine _)_

and before they know it, they’re in the bedroom. Kise-kun’s arms wrap tightly around Tetsuya as they move in perfect sync with each other, their clothes coming off one by one and piling up on the floor.

 _Goodbye_ , Tetsuya whispers as he slides into Kise-kun. Kise-kun doesn't hear it, or then he’s gotten really good at acting. Either way, he never replies. Tetsuya thinks it might be better that way. What could Kise-kun say to him at this point anyway?

* * *

_Let’s meet tomorrow._

_Okay._

No emojis, no unwarranted declarations of love. Kise-kun must’ve realised what Tetsuya means. It’s scary how well Kise-kun has learned to know him.

* * *

Kise-kun looks as beautiful as ever as Tetsuya enters the café and spots him sitting in their favourite table. He can’t help the bittersweet smile; this is undoubtedly the last time the two of them will be occupying that table as a couple.

Kise-kun notices him only when he greets him. It’s nothing unusual but the brief kiss they usually share upon meeting doesn’t happen this time. Tetsuya doesn’t mind.

(He does, though. He really does, he just pretends he doesn’t because he came here to break up with Kise-kun, not to act like everything’s fine when nothing is.)

“So.”

Tetsuya waits for Kise-kun to continue, staring into the decreasing depths of his milkshake.

“You knew from the beginning, right. That we aren't soulmates. You never did answer me when I asked, remember?”

Tetsuya nods, slowly sipping his milkshake, noticing Kise-kun avoids calling his name. Kise-kun lets out a joyless laugh. “But I love you.”

“I know.” He can’t bear to look at Kise-kun as he says that. Who knows what kind of face he’s making right now. Who knows what kind of face either of them is making right now.

Suddenly he becomes aware of raindrops hitting against the window. How fitting. Lousy weather for a lousy day; doesn’t this make it seem like a scene from a film? A rather bad one at that, with all the clichés. Kise-kun interrupts his thinking.

“I’ll come by sometime. Or we can meet in town, have some coffee or whatever. I want to stay in touch.”

Tetsuya tips his glass a bit to get the last drops of his drink, not saying a word. Kise-kun’s fingers tap against the table nervously.

“I’ve been really happy with you, Kurokocchi.”

The nickname rolls off Kise-kun’s tongue so easily, so fondly.

“I don’t know why I can’t be as happy with you as I am with them but if I could… I would stay with you, I really would.”

Tetsuya almost chokes right there because he _knows_ that, damn it. And this must be what it feels like to have his heart broken. Not just broken, but crushed, shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, completely destroyed. Tetsuya forces out a smile.

“You will be much happier with them, Kise-kun.” He’s always known their relationship has a time limit but Kise-kun hasn’t, and he can’t help but wonder if that’s why it hurts. To cause Kise-kun that kind of pain… but would it really have been any better if he’d said anything before?

Probably not.

“You’ll forget about me.” The words burn like acid in his mouth and he does not want to see the hurt on Kise-kun’s face as they fall off his lips, floating in the air between them like a poisonous cloud.

Kise-kun leans over the table, opens his mouth, “Kuro-”

“But I have been happy with you too.”

Kise-kun stops, sits back, deciding not to reply to that. Tetsuya gets up, his chair scraping the floor loudly. This is such a typical break-up scene, one person getting up and leaving the other alone at the table. All of Tetsuya’s life is a badly written romantic drama where he’s the rare main character that doesn’t get a happy ending.

(But he’s not really leaving Kise-kun; it’s a mutual decision, all for the sake of Kise-kun’s happiness.)

“What about your happiness from now on, then?” Ah. There it is, the dreaded question, asked in a quiet, yet clearly audible voice. It pulls at Tetsuya’s heartstrings uncomfortably, and he can’t reply.

_(Your happiness is my happiness.)_

Kise-kun lets out a chuckle that sounds only bitter and doesn’t try to stop Tetsuya a second time.

Tetsuya doesn’t turn to look back. If he did, he would see the way Kise-kun keeps smiling absentmindedly as he stares at the now empty seat opposite to him, smiling until soundless tears start running down his cheeks.

He never ever wants Kise-kun to stop smiling. He never ever wants to be the one to make Kise-kun sad. But he’s right to let Kise-kun go now. It’ll be so much easier than to have to bear the situation they’ve had going on for any longer.

_(You’ll be so much happier without me.)_

Yes, Kise-kun will be happy. But

_(don’t think about it, you’re better off just moving on)_

what about

_(stop)_

Tetsuya?

* * *

There’s a hole in Tetsuya’s heart.

It’s not a big one, not the kind that would bother him. Sometimes he even forgets it’s there at all. But it is, and it never goes away.

And ever since Kise-kun has been gone, Tetsuya can tell it has become slightly bigger.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this in like... 2014/15?? then my laptop broke and I lost access to everything on it, until a few years later I was able to turn it on for long enough to recover the files buuut by that time i'd kinda lost interest in writing so I just let all the WIPs sit on my new laptop (the date I had last worked on this was in 2017......) until the corona lockdown revived my knb feels and here we are, only took me five years!! lmao. seriously tho, all i did was some minor editing (like fixing a few typos here and there, changing some words etc.), idk why i didn't publish this already earlier then since this was practically done? we may never know. 
> 
> anyway, I have a few fics that I never moved from ff.net to here so i after I finish the one ongoing multichapter fic i've got, the next order of business is gonna be editing those so i can have all my fics in one place (at least the ones I still deem worthy of keeping in public lol). and finally, if anyone else is still having knb feels in 2020 hmu, my tumblr's evan-kun


End file.
